Before you give anything, remember this
/At the yoga studio where I work, they have a work-trade program where you can get free yoga in exchange for cleaning the studio. It's a great way for people to give back and get yoga in return.
There's one person on the work-trade staff that I see every week because their cleaning schedule and my work schedule coincide.
A few weeks ago, I asked them if they were going to any yoga classes because I hadn't seen them in class.
They looked down shamefully and said, "No, I've been really bad. I had signed up for this position thinking that it would get me to go to classes and I haven't gone to any yet. It's kind of like I'm cleaning the studio for free ..."
I could hear that they were deep in self-judgment about it. But then their tone changed.
"But you know, I do like to pay it forward so it's okay," they said.
After our conversation I was thinking about it. Though their reframing sounded like an act of kindness, I realized that they've got it backwards.
Typically when we hear stories of paying it forward, it goes something like this: someone decides to pay for the coffee of the person in the line behind them. That person, delighted, decides to pay for the coffee for the next person in line. Sometimes this can go on with many people getting free coffees and giving to the next person behind them.
We often get caught on the act of paying for someone else without realizing that it begins with someone who already paid for their own coffee before offering extra for the first person behind them.
The next time I saw this cleaning staff member I said, "Hey, when we last talked you said that it's okay that you're cleaning the studio every week without making it to any yoga classes because you like to 'pay it forward,' I think there's one thing you're forgetting. To be able to pay it forward, you have to pay yourself first."
They laughed and said that they know I’m right.
No surprisingly, this person resigned from their position the next week.
I hope they are finding other ways to give to themselves instead of new places to pay out what they don't have.
Your turn:
Is there a place in your life where you're showing up for others before you're showing up for yourself?
In what ways do you 'pay yourself first'?
