Reflections on 3 Months of Sobriety

Today marks 90 days of sobriety for me. I guess it's 97 days of sobriety from alcohol, but it's 90 days sober from cannabis. Cannabis was by far my biggest addiction, so I like to count starting that day.

At the beginning of the year, I decided to try this "Dry January" thing I had heard about. Though alcohol was not something I regularly indulged in during early adulthood, I would, especially in social situations unabashedly "tie one on." I took pride in my early 20's that I really only drank maybe a few times a month. I wasn't like other people I knew who were drinking every weekend or worse, every night.

But these things creep in.

By my later 20's and early 30's, I was more of a regular drinker. I would regularly participate in drinking while out with my friends and definitely had some wild nights. I would also drink at home by myself when my partner was out of town because "I enjoyed drinking and cleaning late at night." I'd wake up to a clean and newly organized house but not remember how I got into bed that night.

Like many people, once the pandemic started, drinking became daily. What secured that was the sudden loss of my Dad in the Summer of 2020. Now living with my mom, we'd continue my parents tradition of having "beer-30" sometimes starting as early as 3pm. While she'd stop after 2 beers and head to bed, I'd continue on either singing to the Hamilton soundtrack and/or, you guessed it, cleaning.

Being in that house where I grew up in, I couldn't help but see that I was doing what my Dad did. A functional alcoholic, he'd drink his scotch and diet coke every night, eat dinner late, and spend his last waking hour cleaning up the kitchen and tidying. This was his way to control the emotions he didn't know how to express. He'd also play music, sometimes too loud if the drinks were bountiful, as a way to soothe his soul hurting in ways that no one knew of or how to comfort.

As what happens when we’ve been unconsciously imprinted with habits, I found myself doing my own version of the same. I drank to cover over the pain of his loss. Also the loss of the home I had built for myself, the loss of the business I had built, the loss of the life that I didn't know was coming to an end but was in many ways, over. I found myself in my childhood home with only one parent and no idea for what the future would bring. So I drank.

I also got high everyday. This wasn't new though it did increase. I've smoked cannabis pretty much everyday since I was 17. Like my Dad, I've been able to be a highly-functional addict, but I'm sure this substance abuse has effected various parts of my life and body. It was what I knew to do to cope.

For years I had wanted to change this about myself and would try to no avail. More than once on my birthday I decided to stop smoking, but would get back on it in a few weeks. I spent so many therapy sessions in 2021 dissecting what is at the root of this addiction and how I can at least cut back. I'd resolve to abstain, even just until a later time in the day, and would quickly say, "Fuck it," and light up.

I was determined to make 2022 a new year.

So I decided to just start with the alcohol and abstain for January. Before the end of the year, while still drinking, I listened to several audiobooks about alcohol addiction, This Naked Mind, The 30 Day Alcohol Experiment, and Quit Like A Woman (which also dealt with other addictions like cannabis). I started watching how I felt with alcohol, really understanding better what it was doing to my mind and body. I maybe even experimented with a day or two not drinking to prepare, knowing that I could totally have a drink the next day.

Then on January 1, I stopped. I'm trying to remember now, but I honestly don't think it was that hard. I didn't stop to stop for good and with the preparations I did ahead of time my mind was in a good place to remind myself of why I was doing this. I also found a friend who was doing the same experiment so we messaged back and forth a lot during that time.

Then somehow, on January 6th, I smoked at the end of the day and just didn't like it. My mind didn't feel the relief I usually did. MY mind was so less of a hostile place anyway, so there wasn’t anything to be relieved from. I smoked more out of habit than perceived necessity. What I did feel was cloudy and a sore throat. These are side-effects I couldn't really consciously feel before, but now were obvious. I remember thinking, "Wow, that really didn't do anything for me." The next day, and every day after that, I've chosen not to smoke.

Surprising to me, it's not been that hard either. I've had a few moments where in times of deep frustration or pain I’d think, "normally this is when I want to use." But I've been so deep in my resolve to be a person who doesn't run from their feelings that I acknowledge that pattern and then just do something else.

For example, the other night I was recounting to a friend a deeply troubling experience I've gone through. I probably talked for an hour explaining it all (this friend is VERY good at listening with compassion). Afterwards I thought, "Damn, I want a drink now." So then I said, "Hey, you want a La Croix?" and shortly after, "Can I play you a song?"

Those two things took the edge off without comprising my promise to myself. The relief I feel from that is far greater than the relief I'd get from feeling buzzed.

Though 3 months is a milestone, I'm still in early sobriety. When people ask me if I'm sober "for good" I say, I just don't know. Right now I do know that it's good for me. That's all I need for now.