Remembering

Today is the 2-year anniversary of my Dad's sudden passing. I had assumed it would be not too big of a deal since throughout this past year I could regularly think of him and the loss without the big emotion that haunted me throughout the first year. When the anniversary approached last year, I anticipated it with great fear and when it arrived, I found it was almost like another day. I was relieved. We had made it through the "Year of Firsts."

But I'm finding just the opposite with this anniversary. It's like since I have been able to "move on" more so in the past year than the one prior, the pang of moving into another year without him hurts even more.

I wish I knew how he'd be there for me through my divorce. What encouraging words would he say as I began to build my practice again, post-pandemic? How would he beam as he saw me learning to play guitar and write songs and play on stages?

That last question feels pointless because it was his loss that lead me to pursue music and playing and performing. For me to grow in this way, I had to lose him. At least for me to grow in the way that I have.

The longing for his presence had started to feel everyday or ordinary, because I feel it every day. But now it swells and pangs and touches all the tender parts of my heart that still have not quite scabbed.

I hadn't anticipated this pain for today. I had booked clients like it was any regular day thinking, "It's okay, I'm okay." But then my body found itself fighting off a cold this week and realized it would be best for my body (and my clients) to cancel work for today.

Turns out it was best for my heart as well.